A few weeks ago, I had some time to chill after church and rest after a busy weekend.
As I laid down in silence, out the blue, I thought of the deck of playing cards in the drawer in our prayer room at home. It had been a long time since I looked at them, but it dawned on me that I needed to celebrate a victory. It's been two years since I indulged in pornography and those cards represented a concept I learned at a men's retreat - doing life differently.
This retreat was for guys, just like me, who were struggling with sexual addiction or compulsion issues. All of us were Christian men. Many of us were faithfully serving in the church and community. Many of us were married or in my case at the time, months from getting married.
I know it's still taboo to discuss a topic like this, especially in the church, but I firmly believe that we "overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony" (Revelations 12:11). Sin and shame love to hide in the dark, but true healing comes when we expose them to the light and love of the Lord.
In order to really get this story, let me start from the beginning...
I grew up in a very loving, Christian home to two wonderful parents. My sister and I were taught the importance of education, hard work, perseverance and love. We didn't want for anything but we weren't spoiled...well, maybe just a little bit. :)
My father had the "birds and bees" talk with me one day while working in the yard, one of his favorite past times. It was awkward, of course, hearing your father talk about sex, especially as a kid, but I'm glad he took the time to say it.
My adolescent years sucked! lol. I was chubby, wasn't good at sports but really good in school. I made really good grades and was starting to learn how to play the piano really well.
I remember being in the 7th grade and wanting to hang around the "cool guys." All of the girls loved them. The guys wanted to be like them. And they had what we now call "swag" back then.
I began hanging out with them and was invited to a Halloween party that a community organization was hosting. Some of the guys were heading to a sleepover afterwards. I asked my parents if I could go and they let me.
We had junk food for days, watched music videos, played video games, talked about the party and had a good time.
I remember one of the guys coming over to me and saying "Hey Kenny. We got this tape we wanna show you, but you can't tell nobody about it." I was like "Ok. I won't." They said. "No, you gotta promise you won't tell nobody." I said "I'm for real. I won't."
They put the VHS tape in and on the screen was a scene that opened the doors to images, thoughts, feelings and urges that I was too young to understand or comprehend.
That night was the beginning of a very dark journey that took almost 18 years to break free from.
In Part 2 of "Doing Life Differently," I'll tell you how that one scene, that graphic image, began as a seed and grew into a raging monster.
If you were exposed to pornography at a young age, how old were you?
I know some of you reading this may be ashamed to talk about it, but let me be the first to tell you that talking through it is how you get THROUGH it.
