Doing Life Differently - Part 2

...continued from Doing Life Differently, Part 1

Oh my God! I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I'd watched rated R movies before, but they were nothing like this! This was way more graphic.  And sadly, it stirred a newfound curiosity within me, opening me to a whole new world... a dangerous world I was never meant to see.

Fast forward to my senior year of high school. I started having sex even though I knew it wasn't right. To some of my peers, I was probably considered a late bloomer. My girlfriend, at the time, and I tried to stop many times, but it seemed like the urge got stronger and stronger. I thought, well, maybe if I masturbate, then that will weaken my desire to want to have sex...crazy....I know…smh. But that's the mindset one has who is controlled by lust. 

I called my friend from Jr High School (the one who had the "pornos" from back in the day) and explained to him my rationale on needing the movies. He laughed and gave me one of them to borrow.

I took the tape home, put it in the VCR and prepared to watch it. While the opening credits were rolling I heard God clearly say "This will become a stronghold in your life." I paused, thought about it for a second and went ahead and watched it anyway.

I graduated high school and went to an out of state university, hoping I could "start over" and find a new life. But I quickly learned that the giants you don't face in one land can follow you and show up in another.

During my freshman year of college, porn quickly became my drug, and I found another "drug dealer" in one of my dorm mates. He had a collection of videos and I would often ask to borrow a different one. Once again, I knew this was wrong, but I honestly didn't know how to break free.

Sin became iniquity. I reasoned my heart and mind that this wasn't "that bad." This was what I had to do if I didn't want to "slip up". I wasn't smoking weed, drinking or doing other bad stuff. I told myself these lies over and over again.

Like many addicts, and in particular Christian addicts, I went through what we call the "sin-repent-sin" cycle. I would watch porn, do my do, and pray and ask God for deliverance. And then, maybe a week or two later (usually not more than a day or so later), I would go back and do the same thing over and over again.

It wasn't until my wife and I had the discussion about this one day that truth began to break through. She told me that watching porn wasn't normal. I kinda knew that but it never made sense to me before. That day, it finally did.

This lifestyle wasn't normal. This wasn't the life God intended for me. He wanted me to be free. And I wanted that freedom so bad.

One of my favorite artists, J.R. has a song called "Not a Slave." Oh how I desperately wanted to sing that song! But I knew in my heart I was a slave to sin.

Insanity can be defined as doing the same thing over and over again, expecting to get a different result. I had to change my thinking. I had to do something different.

I was researching blogs about overcoming sexual addictions and came across a book called "Surfing for God" by Michael Cusick. I'd read "Every Young Man's Battle" and every other "Men-stop-sinning-book" you could find. They had some good points, but Michael broke it allllllllllllll the way down! He dealt with everything from the psychological aspects of what porn does to one's brain to its damaging effects on your family and friends.

I emailed Michael and thanked him for writing such an awesome and powerful book. He thanked me for reading it and told me about a 4 day intensive in the mountains for guys just like me who wanted to be free but didn't know how to. I had started down the road to recovery and thought this would be perfect for me. My wife and I discussed it and a very dear family friend of ours even paid for the cost of the conference.

That conference was no joke. I'm still blown away by the teachings, the raw honesty and sincerity, the brotherhood that was formed and the new mindset I received while there.

As mentioned in Part 1, I am doing life differently. The temptation to fall back into sin comes and goes but it's stronghold has been broken through the love and power of Jesus Christ. God has surrounded me with an amazing support system that I am eternally grateful for.

Here are some things I do, personally, to remain free and recommend to anyone struggling:

1. Be honest about your thoughts and feelings. Pornography and masturbation are "secret sins." They thrive in the dark. What you feed grows and what you starve dies.

2. Find at least one person who is stronger than you that you can be accountable to. If married, your spouse should be the main person.

3. Download an accountability software program for ALL of your electronic devices. This includes personal and work desktops, laptops, notebooks, tablets, cell phones, iPods, etc. I use Covenant Eyes and it's awesome.

4. Write through your journey. When I left the intensive, this was one thing that God told me would bring significant healing to my soul, and it really has.

5. Find scriptures that deal with overcoming temptation, sexual immorality and freedom from sin. Meditate on these often. Write them on your wall if you have to. (I've done this several times).

6. Listen to sermons and testimonies of people who have overcome different types of struggles. This will build your faith. Trust me. They're out there! You're not alone.

7. Fast and pray. This one is like throwing dynamite into a cave! There's so much power in fasting and praying. I LOVE TO EAT, but this draws me so close to Jesus. It renews my mind. Clears the air waves so you can hear and think with a sober mind. When you put fasting and praying the scriptures together, you have a powerful combination.

8. Encourage yourself. This may sound like a self-help tool but we all need encouragement. Sometimes you have to look yourself in the mirror and say "I am free from this." Keep saying over and over again until you believe it.

Thanks guys for letting me share my story with you. I appreciated every single text, call, email and post you've given me. Share this good news with someone else. You may be surprised. It may be something they've been waiting to hear.

I'll close with this prayer:
Father, I thank you for your son, Jesus Christ. It is in Him that we live, move and have our being. I thank you for the power of your word. You have come to set the captives free. I declare freedom in the name of Jesus to every person reading this. I declare freedom in their thoughts and to have the mind of Christ. I pray freedom in their heart to surrender it totally to you. I declare freedom in their home to remove any and all objects, materials or even people and plants that shouldn't be there. Reveal your plan to them now in the name of Jesus. Open the eyes of their understanding that they may see you for who you really are. You are the Healer! You are the Christ! You are the Son of the Living God. You have overcome the world, death, hell and the grave. I pray that you would surround my brothers and sisters with your love, grace, mercy and truth. Let compassion come upon those that must stand with them for support. Where there is unforgiveness, I pray for a repentant heart. A heart of stone turned to a heart of flesh. We thank you for the victory that overcomes! We thank you Jesus for setting us free! Amen!

"Are You Afraid of the Dark?"

I was born in the 80‘s. Grew up in the 90’s.  I loved shows on Nickelodeon  like Doug, Rugrats and the scary storyteller show “Are You Afraid of the Dark.” 

Every Friday night, I looked forward to hearing the new scary stories they would come up with and tell around the campfire.  I had this strange fascination with scary movies.  My dad would scare the living daylights out of me and my younger sister with movies like Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th (We used to call them “Jason” movies. LOL!), and others.  

Are You Afraid of the Dark was on the lighter end of the scary spectrum. Their stories were more mysterious and didn’t involve much violence or seemingly haunting images.  

As I think back to my love/hate relationship with scary movies, it makes me think of how much I really was afraid of the dark.  

Most grown men probably won’t admit this, but I was literally afraid of the dark even up to my senior year of high school.  We always kept the hall light on at our home in Moss Point, Mississippi.  I couldn’t go to bed without my closet door being completely closed and I NEVER went to bed with my bedroom door closed.  I was literally afraid of the dark.  

I grew up, went to college, graduated, got my first job out of college, moved to a new city and had progressed greatly in life.  I “thought” I was over that.  Ain’t it funny how when you think you’re over something, it mysteriously shows back up?!  And at the most inopportune times?

Last year, I attended an awesome men’s retreat at a ranch in the Rocky Mountains in Colorado.  This was my first time there and we were staying in a great facility.  The log cabin was divided into different rooms and we even had bunk beds!  Cool!  LOL!  

I was having a great time, learning and sharing with the guys.  On my second night there after having a powerful session during the day, I woke up in the middle of the night and felt this overwhelming fear and anxiety come upon me.  I laid in bed, tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t.  My heart started to race.  Tears started to flow down my face.  All of a sudden and I kid you not, the room changed from the log cabin in the Rocky Mountains to my old bedroom in Moss Point. 

As a kid, I had a bunk bed that would face my window, and I promise there would be times where I thought there was a burglar or some guy standing outside my window waiting for me to go to sleep so he could break in and get me.  Well, this time in my “dream” or whatever it was, I saw myself as a little boy again, laying in bed, crying silently because I was afraid that something was either gonna jump out of the closet and get me or that “man outside my window” would break in and get me.  

There’s more to this story...

I was doubly afraid because this “nightmare/dream” phase always seemed to be too real.  There were times when I would be asleep but I would be in a dream, trying to wake myself up.  Then there were times where I would be awake and it seemed like something wasn’t right.  This time, I didn’t know which realm I was in.  

I eventually fell back “asleep” but woke up really groggy and was kinda introverted for most of the day.

On the last day of our retreat, we were in our last session and prepared to take communion.  It was really cool because our small group leaders were the ones that served us the communion.  After having some real heart-to-heart talks that weekend, all of us shared a common bond of true brotherhood.  The leaders served us communion one a time.  When it was my turn, one of our small group leaders turned to me and said “Kenny, you’re a good man.  You’re clean.  You’re forgiven.”  Those words opened up the floodgates of my soul and tears began to stream down my face.  I took the communion, sat back down in my chair and began to sob uncontrollably.  I’m normally a “crier” but I hadn’t been able to cry at all up to that point.  Guess I made up for lost time?! :)

Heading back home, I was able to really reflect on how I allowed the fear of the past and the fear of the unknown rule and dominate my life.  A major lesson learned from this experience is that when you expose fear to the light  aka the truth, it’s stronghold is broken.  Darkness must surrender to light. 

So I pose this question to you...

What are you so afraid of?

What’s in the “dark” that keeps waking you up at night?